Thursday, December 24, 2009

Oh, hey...

I haven't posted in a month, and anyone who knows me knows the reason for that. A couple of weeks ago I took a positive pregnancy test, and have since been to the doctor twice to confirm that, yep, there's something growing in there, and it's naaahhhht a toomah. I've always been a little weirded out by pregnancy blogs, and this really didn't start as a vessel for one, but you feel like you need to document it somehow and this is as good a place as any. Plus, no one reads it regularly anyway, so whatever. I DO WHAT I WANT.

One Monday morning at school I got to feeling really nauseated, to the point that I walked into the office and sat down in the floor next to the trash can because I was that sure I was going to throw up. I haven't thrown up since freshman year of college when I contracted some horrific intestinal virus from my roommate. (No hard feelings, Mandie!) Two of my colleagues joked that I was pregnant, and my immediate thought was "Ooh...maybe I should check that." I figured I'd go home, pee on a stick, get a negative, and go on with my life. So when I saw two little pink lines, I kind of stopped, stared, and ran to the car to go buy another test.

About that time Brandon came home and he drove me to Target to buy a couple of tests. We waited until after dinner to take it, and when it popped up "Pregnant" I think my immediate reaction was "Oh, shit." He was a lot more chill than I was. I, of course, immediately started thinking: Brandon doesn't have a job, I don't make enough money to support a baby, what if I lose it, have I had any alcohol in the last month, oh crap yes I have, but it wasn't much, OH MY GOD WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY. It's been good for Brandon, since it's given him some ammo to take to his advisor and say "I need to graduate in May, because I have an impending baby to support," and mostly weird for me.

I think my biggest thought lately has been "Morning sickness should not last all day," and I've been nauseated nearly every single day. I've only thrown up twice--and, oddly, Mondays seem to be my "bad days," because both times I've actually vomited have been Mondays and the first day I felt sick was a Monday--but I'm about ready to roll into trimester #2 and stop with the pukey feeling.

We've discussed names, but not settled; I'm at eight weeks and three days as of today. We have time. I've been contemplating the job and the insurance and what I'm going to do when this tiny human pops out of me (if only it were that easy! I'm not so naive as to think so). But when I went to my first doctor's visit, panicked and sure that there was no fetus in there because I'd seen some blood, and the ultrasound technician played the heartbeat in that little room, and it wasn't my heartbeat, it was something completely separate from me that I had no control over, I think I was simultaneously as calm and as terrified as I've ever been in my life.

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