Saturday, April 17, 2010

I got verbally molested at the Dead Sea kiosk

I went shopping today (actually shopping! spending actual money! which I don't actually have!) and ended up stopping at the Dead Sea Cosmetics kiosk because the guy working was SO DAMN INSISTENT. Usually I can get by them but I had to pass him twice and the second time I failed. I guess it was kind of like the situation with the teacup pig (if you watch How I Met Your Mother, you will know what I mean). (Also, I want a teacup pig.) Anyway, so he ended up selling me this nail kit which is kind of baller, and makes my nails all then the other girl working, I guess it was his manager? wanted to show me the main thing they sell, which is a Dead Sea salt scrub.

I was totally cool with that, and washed my hands with the stuff, which was actually rather nice and smelled like lime and coconut. But then as she was trying to convince me to buy some of that, she started making suggestions about how to use the salt and the accompanying body butter. It started off simple enough--talking about how the body butter can help with stretch marks from pregnancy, benefits to your skin, relaxing properties...but I really have never, nor ever want to in the future, considered the possibilities of using salt to spice up your sex life.

Let me repeat that, because it bears repeating:


(It took me a moment to determine whether that should have been "sexier" or "more sexy." Way to go, English major.)

This girl went on for about 5 minutes into a whole scenario about putting the salt scrub into bathwater, lighting some candles, getting a foot massage from my husband, using the body butter (I am so serious about this you guys)...fortunately she skipped over whatever was supposed to happen next by saying "so when you go to sleep later, when you wake up, you will feel like a prince and princess!" All of the folks who work at those kiosks are Israeli, so they have fun accents, if you can imagine that said in an Israeli accent.

OK, so I maybe considered buying some, but Brandon doesn't take baths, only showers, and I was still a little creeped out by the whole descriptive scenario. As nice as it might be. And considering that I'm married it's totally OK with Jesus if I want to introduce salt into the bedroom, right? But I didn't want to spend more money, and again: little weird.

Also I bought a baby jacket with monsters on it. IT WAS NECESSARY, OK? Here is a picture:

(Imagine this with a baby inside.)

Now you try to tell me that wasn't necessary. Also I got some free carrot cake at the jewelry store. NO, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. I don't know why I'm feeling so defensive; I think it's that I never, ever spend money on anything that isn't absolutely necessary, so I feel weird about this. But that jacket makes everything awesome. My mom's reaction: "Your child is going to have the strangest clothing." Yeah mom, I'm going to dress my baby in a Run-DMC t-shirt and a jacket with monsters on it--I THINK YOU MEAN HE WILL HAVE THE AWESOMEST CLOTHING.

This thing is viable and is the size of an eggplant and, thank God, he's growing eyes. If he wants to pop out anytime between now and ever, I will welcome him into the world and out of my belly. Of course the longer he stays in there, the better it is for him; however, he kicks too much. He's kicking me right now. I think he knows there is an awesome monster jacket waiting for him, and he is excited about being the stylin'est baby on the block. I'm sure fetuses have that capacity for thought at 25 weeks.


  1. that's an awesome jacket, i totally see "coolest-dressed baby award in his future"